I'm not one who makes new year resolutions - i just don't. Perhaps that's why New Year celebrations never held any special meanings for me. it is just another holiday every year.
But i think 2008 is going to be a significant year for me as it yet marks another milestone in my life where i am going to graduate and start working life. There are going to be big changes to my lifestyle and changes can bring apprehension and confusion sometimes. I just hope things will be smooth for me.
Perhaps setting some resolutions can put things in order and counter some of the fears.
1) FYP - i think this is the biggest fear i have. the good thing is most of it is in order. I have put in alot of effort and will continue to see it thru.
2) Work-Life Balance. Very hard to achieve this with #1.
3) Job Applications - After some inertia, i think i will try to apply for some jobs and attend some interviews and see how far i can go. Consider it as gaining some experience. That is IF i have the time; again #1
3) Start gym-ing - i need to get my body toned..
That's all for now. I will add on to the list if i have any more plans. Happy Holidays!
Some of the phrases which my Prof has said to me in lab which i think also applies to life outside lab.
The best help that you are ever gonna get comes from yourself
If you gonna do it, do it good or else don't do it at all
If you don't put in effort, you are never going to get anything really decent. Welcome to life..
If you ask suggestion from others and the suggestion fail, don't blame them but blame yourself for being stupid enough to follow that stupid suggestion
It is easy to rise to the top but it is difficult to stay up there
These are the few which i remember. There are more other meaningful quotes too but i guess i will update it when i remember. I think i have developed a love-hate relationship with my Prof. Sometimes he is like a father to me and sometimes he is like a demon which i wanna vanquish with so many of the potions i generated every day.. I fear him alot, up to the point where i can tremble and yet i also appreciate him.
I just woke up after a wierd dream.. forgot to switch off my laptop so decided to do it. but then i suddenly think of posting something after a long time... Wow, it has been a while since i last posted.. i have been busy.. too busy i would say.. alot of things have happened since i returned to Singapore - more of lab wise: made new discoveries and learnt new things and also gain alot of new perspectives. and i am also ashamed that i haven't met alot of my dearest friends since my return to Singapore. =( sorrie guys... i will make it up to you in May 2008. =pI have been feeling very gloomy these few days. As i was done with exam pretty early this time round, i went back to lab early too. Every morning when i woke up, i dont feel like opening my eyes. my stomach churns and squirms. i feel like puking and still, i drag my feet to lab. My relationships with my family is not that good either. i get grumpy and my temper is short.. i dont know why i keep torturing myself this way.. am i avoiding something?? i guess maybe i am.. One thing i am very sure is i dont think i wanna stay in this field.. it is too demanding for me. I am just not good enough for lab. It is impossible to balance social life and lab life and "Anything else, there is Mastercard!" haha.. i think i caught that phrase while i was half asleep during my bus journeys to school and that is my only time for TV nowadays. =( yes i am that busy and i will care to explain it to my dear friends here for the first time, why i cant afford a social life.1) my working hours are like 10am to 11pm from Mon to Fri and 10am to 7pm for Sat. some might ask why are there so many things to do in e lab. I tell u why:- i am in the field of chemical biology, more of the organic synthesis branch of work
- i need to set up synthesis experiments (making organic molecules) and i need to be extremely careful in this stage as some experiments are sensitive to air oxygen and water. and if i dont add the correct amount of reagents, my experiments will fail..
- during the reaction, i need to monitor it - withdraw small amounts (microlitre volume) of sample out and test it, see if my reactants have completed or if any products are forming at all. most of my reactions are not reported exactly on literatures and
- after the reaction has completed (which i hope it has with the complete formation of products - one major product hopefully or else the reaction can be deemed as failure), i will have to extract my product out from the rest of the starting materials which i have used
- purification of my product - primarily either recrystallizing a solid product (it has to be solid at r.t. for this to work) and i will have to test solubilities of my product in various solvents or doing a column chromatography or solid products that possess good solubilities in certain solvents or liquid products. i will not explain the technical terms but this purification method can be a nightmare to most chemist as products are collected drop by drop literally. most chemists would like to avoid this if possible. recently, i deal with a new method of purification which is sublimation. dont get me started on that..
- characterisations: i need to check if the product i obtained is correct. need to do typically some spectroscopies to see if the relative mass and structure is correct.
- wash glasswares - we need to ensure we dont encounter contaminations right?
- troubleshoot problems. this can be time-consuming and nerve-wrecking..
- read literature papers. tonnes of it. you dont want to repeat what others have done. and also gain new info from theirs.
2) seeing that i got so many things to do in just one simple chemical step, i got many many of these steps for my Honors project. and also my Honors Project is multi-dimensional. Chemical Synthesis is just Part ONE. In Part TWO, after i obtained my molecule which is an Amino Acid, i need to make some peptides. In Part THREE, i need to immobilize my peptides into microarrays. In Part FOUR, i need to screen some proteins with my microarrays.
3) i got so many things to do within one Honors year, i need to rush so i can complete it. actually it is less than one year, about only 7 months or so.
ok, back to the gloomy part. it is not that i hate chemistry. it is more of this research field which is not for my personality. i really like to have a social life. If a scientist like to get some decent lab results fast, he really has to devote all his time to lab work. i mean if you want to work normal working hours, you can't accomplish much in the lab. it is all about racing here - if you get your results too slowly, your research can become obsolete when others overtake you and publish instead.
I am not a person who gives up easily and i think this is backed up by the fact that i am willing to put in so much effort and sacrifice so many other precious aspects of my life just for lab. BUT i really tried and i dont think lab will work out for me. i can probably grit my teeth and work up to a PhD - i can scrap through i guess but what's the point in making myself so unhappy. i feel like i am working the hardest in my life now. my O levels days in RV and A levels days in Hwachong are actually enjoyable and i had lotsa fun. but not this..
Perhaps it is the lab i am working in now.. it is really demanding and i feel very drained and all my interests for the subject are killed. I guess it is really a good thing that i am realizing it now rather than going for a PhD and then realize this.. so i have to thank my lab for that.
i also want to try applying for some jobs.. going for some interviews and gain some experience in selling myself and see how much i am worth.. but i cant do all these with molecules at the back of my brain..
a few more months to go.. i really hope i can survive.. =( this year started really good.. i had the BEST time of my life in Los Angeles.. learnt new things, gained new perspectives, forged new friendships (this is what i always like but lab doesnt allow the third aspect). Then it all went down after i came back to lab. =( sighh
ok, back to sleep.. i think my thoughts were very incoherent.. very yu3 wu2 lun2 ci4. but glad i put them down in words after the longest time. gonna head back to lab in a few hours time (yes, it is sunday.. i know.. arghh..)..
